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Problem Outhouse/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: And now for the program that dares to break all the rules, but dares to be different because it doesn't have the budget that other shows do. And I think that's particularly unfair if you ask me. Well, anyway, the point is, it's "the red green show!" and now it's time for the man of the half-hour, your host, my uncle, everyone's favorite woodsman, red green! Go for it, uncle red. Don't blow it, okay? Well, thank you, harold. Well, thank you. Welcome to the show. Uh, we've got a great show for you this week. We got -- what does that say? "truckloads of fun, "boatloads of guests, and armloads of love for you." that sounds terrible, harold. No, it sounded great. That "armloads" thing sounded fantastic -- very natural, very tv. Harold here is producer and director of the show, and he's also my nephew. Thank you for that generous applause. I didn't hear any applause. I was shaming them. You shame everyone, harold. Harold's kind of hooked into the modern technology here. You could even say he's wired. I do. But, you know, he's not just producer and director just because he's my nephew. No, it's because I can do this. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] that's why I'm producer and director. No, that's not it, harold. It's because your father put up 51% of the money to do the show here. That's not true. You offered me a job long before dad bailed you out of that telefilm disaster. Yeah, but at that point, your job description was "key grip." is he the guy who, like, works with the lights and the cables? Not in this case, harold -- this is the guy that grips the keys to my truck while I'm on camera and keeps gripping them until I want to go home. Oh, yeah, I got 'em. I got 'em. It's not a problem. I'm okay, there, uncle red. Just I figured maybe we'd just go right into the next segment, if that's okay with you. What about my story? Oh, what about it? Well, I was, uh, gonna tell the people at the lodge here about how we got a new outhouse. Oh, that's an interesting segue. That wasn't a segue, harold. They never are. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ he was short and mangy and missing one ear ♪ ♪ he ate mostly squirrels, and he drank mostly beer ♪ ♪ he looked like a rodent ♪ ♪ he smelled like a bog ♪ ♪ but he wasn't either, he was my hunting dog ♪ ♪ my hunting dog was a wonderful friend ♪ ♪ but with a slip of my safety ♪ ♪ he come to an end ♪ ♪ he was the best companion that I ever had ♪ ♪ my good old dog... ♪ I can't remember his name right now. What was his name? "king"? I think it was "rex." no, it wasn't "rex." "dave"? It was "mister" something. Mister -- or was it "missus"? "miss." no, it was "mister." was it "mister"? He was "mister," believe me. He was a "mister." oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Oh, there was a weekend! This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to, uh -- how to fix a lawn mower. Uh, when you do fix a lawn mower, there is a certain order that you check things in. Now, this particular machine has a seized engine. So the first thing you check is the price of a new one. And then you check the I.Q. Of the last person that used it. And you'll find only one of those is high. Next thing you check is the spark plug. Disconnect the plug. And, uh, take out the spark plug. [ sighs ] adjust the gap. And reinstall it. And while you've got the gas can open anyway, you might as well check to see if there's any excess gas in there. No, I guess not. The next thing you might want to take a look at is the blade itself. What you're checking for here is nicks and bumps. No, there's not nearly enough of those. That's about it. I guess the last step when you're checking a lawn mower with a seized engine is to kill your nephew harold. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Harold, can I talk to you for a minute? We'll be right back with more of the show and the story of the outhouse. But not, hopefully, at the same time. You know, I've been working really hard on the show. You probably noticed that, with the directing and the cutting-aways and things like that. So I thought "emmy." we're gonna get one for sure. What? You mean an award? An award. We're the most outstanding production in the woods. Is that a category? That's my problem. I don't know. I don't think there'd be too many in the category. What about "best foreign feature-film-length, "30-minute docu-quasi-comedy... And -- and, uh, sport show." well, there's a lot in that category. I think "l.A. Law's" in that category. Is it? Yeah. It's tough competition. They got more people than us. We could be "best musical/comedy variety series in a wooded area." that has a ring to it. Yeah. And there's not a lot in that. Now that "yogi bear's" been canceled, we're pretty much a shoo-in. "yogi bear's" been canceled? Heartbreaker, isn't it? "it is winter. "outside, the snow is piled deep. "the north wind blows all night. "but here, inside, you're snuggled warm, "your face bathed in orange light from the cigarette lighter as you wait for the tow truck." so, uh, anyways, I was trying to tell you the story about how the lodge got a -- got a new outhouse. And, uh, well, it starts with a missing stick of dynamite and, uh, old man sedgwick needing a candle for one of his late-night visits to the woods. Uncle red, I don't really think this is a good story to be telling. I mean, it was already all over the local news and in the papers. "tnt turns toilet trip to terror." well, but they didn't get all of it, harold. They didn't give it the full coverage. Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly the kind of story that lent itself to pictures. I mean, that old man standing there in his singed nightgown, just standing there smoldering away, going, "dorothy, was that you?" not even moving! It was horrible. Tv needs action, uncle red, like this. You're ruining the story, harold. We both are. [ sniffs ] boy, the air sure smells good today, hap. Is that new lid on the bait bucket doing that? I haven't smelled air this fresh since I worked on the railroad. You worked on the railroad? All the livelong day. I didn't know that. Yeah, I'd gone west, you know, just to get the lay of the land, did a little railroad work. We were trying to find a new route through the rockies. Geez, hap, I always heard that, uh, work on the railroad was pretty tough stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's too hard for most of the men. You didn't bother having an expensive breakfast or you'd throw it up and try to get your money back. I'll tell you the worst of it, though. The lay of the land, I'll bet. The lay of the land. See, the massive power of the rockies was so strong that it magnetizes the rails, makes them all move north. Well, we were halfway to alaska before we noticed. Magnetic rails, hap? Must have been hard on your watch. Pull the loose change right out of the bottoms of your pockets. One fellow lost all the fillings up in his teeth. What were you then, hap? A gandy dancer? [ birds chirping ] a what? A gandy dancer, hap. My cousin's a gandy dancer for cp rail -- are you telling me you worked for the railroad and you don't know what a gandy dancer is? Sure, I know. I just don't want to talk about it, that's all. Can't you tell that? Did you come here to fish or talk? Sorry, hap. Just trying to get the lay of the land. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ when my life is over and I've fired my last round ♪ ♪ take all my lures and pass them around ♪ ♪ have yourself a cold beer for the good times we had ♪ ♪ and drop me into the water-supply tank ♪ ♪ right next to dad ♪ uncle red, great. It's letter-reading time. This is fantastic. I'm all set when you are, c.B. [ laughs ] all right, you give me a signal, and then I'll know you're ready, too, okay? Like we could use like a secret word or phrase or something like that. That'd be cool, eh? Just read the letter, harold. Oh, verbal cue. Excellent choice of technique. That's fantastic. Okay, letter number one. "dear red... [ giggles ] can you do anything about my lawn?" well, is there any more information than that, harold? Oh, yeah, okay, all right. "can you do anything about my lawn? Name withheld." uh, you know, difficult to be specific in this case. Uh, you know, generally, lawn problems range anything from weed spray to shooting your neighbor's dog. Oh, you mean "shooing" the neighbor's dog, right? Well, you can give that a try first, I guess. For me, personally, now, I have an attitude of survival of the fittest. If the weeds win, hey, they deserve it. Oh, but nobody likes a lawn full of dandelions, uncle red. Or is that just me? I have no problem with dandelions. You can make wine from dandelions, harold. Can't make wine from sod. I hear you can make a sod from wine. Look at old man sedgwick. [ laughs ] you never thought like that before. You always had a nice lawn, I thought. Yeah, but that was before somebody seized up my lawn mower and didn't even tell me. Oh, yeah, well -- well, maybe, maybe, uncle red, like, the oil-filler cap is impossible to find on that model. Ever think of that? Maybe that's why, huh? Well, harold, there is no oil-filler cap. You mix the oil right in with the gas on that one. Really? Oh, well, whoever did it, I'm sure I'm sorry. [ film projector clicking ] red: Today on "adventures with bill," bill has a whole tableful of knives there. He's gonna show something real special tonight. [ tires screeching ] oh! Oh! I got to get those -- I got to get those brakes looked at on the van there. I don't like stopping all that much anyway. I like going. I'm more of a goer than a stopper, I guess. Anyway, well, as I say, bill had the knives, and we got the table all set up. And we got the knives kind of jammed into her there. That's the way he likes to keep them. He goes through a lot of tables. And you don't want to have dinner on that table afterwards. Your soup keeps getting lost down to your legs, which can happen. Uh, but he's got quite a collection of knives. And what? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, okay. Boy, oh, boy, he's a dangerous man, that bill. And he put these leather strops -- here, he can sharpen -- what? It's very -- very bizarre about that, uh, strop. Like I say, bill has his own techniques, and I don't question them... 'cause once I started, I'd be there forever. Now he's gonna put the target up. [ clears throat ] this could be a knife he saw advertised on tv maybe. I don't know. He's got her up there... And...Backs off exactly eight steps. Oh! Well, I guess he'll make it five. Yeah, five. Five steps. And he's all set. He gets his first knife, and, uh, watch the way he handles this. It's really something. Like that. And... He calls that a perfect hit. And that was either a high five or he's drying his deodorant. I'm not sure. They're both essential. And here he goes. Looks good. Looks good. Oh! Yeah, that close. Yeah, right, right. But he's just finding the range. He's actually very, very good with knives. [ knife clatters, cow moos ] oh, boy. Lookit! Oh! Nice catch. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I think bill was with the circus for quite a while. And, you know, h-he should think about going back. Uh, now I think he's gonna -- oh, nope. Close? Nope. Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Ooh! Oh, I thought he had that one. So, uh, he wanted me to give it a try. Not bad. Another high five there. I showed him how to do it, so he thought he'd try an underhand. Beauty. Beauty. Beauty. Beauty. Super shot. This is a stunt using the mirror. You look until you find the target in the mirror and then throw the -- but bill gets sometimes confused in his motor skills. That -- oh! And uh-oh. Oh! Oh! [ glass breaking ] uh, well, I'd already shaved this year anyway. And then -- and, and... And... And where is it? Now, this was a real mystery for a while. Just couldn't find the knife. Checked the whole area. Uh, checked in behind the shed even. [ air hissing ] checked each other. Bill -- yeah, I think if it was in my back, I might have known. We heard that -- oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, there's the knife. Yeah, that close, bill. Yeah, right. Yeah, here's a high five. "it is winter. "on a chilly, cold new year's day, "as I walk through the snow out behind the house, "I make a new year's resolution. This year, we're getting indoor plumbing." yeah? Okay. All right, at this point in the show, we give harold a chance to say a few words. Remember, life doesn't always make sense. Go ahead. Public speaking. The number-one fear of fears is -- is speaking in public. Yeah, well, not like public speaking to you. It's like, you know, you speaking to the public. Like that. That's the difference. Okay, fine. Well, I got a little trick for you that oftentimes public-speaking people use. They picture their audience naked. [ giggles ] bare naked! [ giggles ] you know, I do that sometimes even when I'm not speaking in public. And you know what -- if you're really good at it, you can picture yourself naked, too. Neat, huh? And that helps you get rid of all the nervousness, and then you just forget everything, including what you're supposed to say. So what you do is another trick. You write down all the words on little 3x5 cards, and you won't forget. And they're right there, but here's a hint -- don't write down exactly what you want to say because... Oh, oh. [ giggles ] oops. I-I wasn't gonna talk about public speaking. I was supposed to talk about buying a car. [ giggles ] we do aim a lot of the material on this show towards today's teenagers because our sponsors regard them as the future of the country. That's pretty scary, isn't it? Now, I'm not a prejudiced person. So I'd just like to talk to any of you teenagers who are not, you know, too drugged up or boozed out or in a juvenile detention center. I believe in "live and let live," but what is with those haircuts? Shaved halfway up the side or maybe a long piece hanging down or you got the initials carved in up there or this side up. I mean, what is that? I'm not saying what's right and what's wrong, but that looks stupid, okay? And it looks violent. I saw a kid the other day, he looked so violent, I wanted to just... Smack him one! I know what you're doing. You're making a statement about how you don't approve of adults. Well, so what? Maybe you should learn to be more tolerant. And smarten up! Otherwise you're just gonna end up in the army. We'll be right back with a lot more of our special guests and more of our regular features and the exciting conclusion of the outhouse story. That might be one item too many. That was a really good lunch you made, uncle red. Thank you. Thank you, harold. What was that orange stuff on my sandwich? Well, that's cheese. That's not cheese. That's some kind of cheese. I've never seen cheese like that, either. What is cheese? Well, that's a good question. I -- it's from a cow, isn't it? It is. I think maybe it's like old, old pats of butter. And you put them all together, and you leave them on the counter for a couple weeks, and it turns into cheese. Well, where's the butter come from? That might -- maybe from milk. You have to leave milk out for a couple weeks. So, cheese is just, you're saying, milk with patience. Exactly. And it'll have penicillin, and patients need penicillin. Perfect. Yeah. I always thought cheese was kind of a urine product. Or maybe that's cheez whiz. Jack! Jack! Come on up here! I know you're down there, jack! What do you want? Oh, nothing. We're just, you know -- we thought we'd drop in, see how it's going, that's all. I'm fine. I'm doing fine. All right. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm strong. Yeah. My body's strong. My spirits are strong. And my mind is strong, jack. No, no, you're jack. I'm red. Okay, sure, fine. Yeah, well, just -- well, what do you want? Well, uh, jack, you know, people are -- they really respect what you're doing here, living in the cave, you know? But, um, we're kind of wondering why you're doing this. Well, the end of western civilization is upon us. I mean, look at all the nut bars running around. You know, it's coming. Yeah. And I know when. Well, jack, if you know when, why -- why did you come up here so early? What? How -- how do you mean? Is this a trick? Don't make me use this, red! No, no. Take it easy, jack. I'm just saying that if you knew exactly when the world was gonna end, then why would you come up here a year and a half early, you know, to live in a -- in a dark, dingy, wet cave? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Well... Why would you do that, hmm? [ clears throat ] I know... I know roughly when -- roughly. Yeah. And I wanted to get settled in. All right. You know? All right, I'll buy that. I'll buy that. So, what exactly is your plan, jack? Plan? Yeah, well, you must have a plan. I mean, a guy doesn't leave his home and his family and walk away from a good-paying job in an advertising agency, walk away from everything he owns and everything he knows to come and live in a cave. And he doesn't do that unless he has a really good plan, you know? [ coughs ] he doesn't? Does he? Does he? Uh...No. No. No, he doesn't. No, I know. No, no. It's crazy to do that. Right. So, what's your plan? Well... You know, this and that. I'm playing it by ear. Oh. A-a plan isn't gonna be much good when the world comes to an end, if you know what I'm saying. And it's coming. You know? The cold war, the bombs, the pollution, the taxes. Oh, uh, actually, jack, the cold war is over. And they got rid of a lot of the bombs. A lot of the countries are disarming now. And I think just about everybody is working on the environment, getting rid of all that pollution. Oh? Yeah. So, western civilization... Isn't coming to an end? I don't think so, no. Sorry. Wow. I guess the world as we know it isn't... The world as we know it, jack. No, no, no. You're jack. I'm red. I'm talking to myself. Oh. You know what, jack? Maybe when everybody heard you were living up here in the cave, it brought them all to their senses. You know, it's possible. It might have happened. Yeah? Yeah, it could have. Could? Yeah. It could have? Yeah. [ laughs ] well, that's what happened. That was my plan! It was? Don't you s-- well, how could you see? [ laughs ] don't feel bad. The plan was so clever, it fooled the greatest minds of our time. Oh, my gosh. See, I knew they would end the cold war. All right. You know? I knew they'd disarm. I knew they'd start to clean up the environment. I knew they'd get rid of the taxes. Oh, uh, no, no, jack. They still have taxes. What? Yeah. Oh, darn! Ah, the man's a genius. All right, so, anyways, just wanted to finish up the story about the outhouse blowing up. Uh, well, old man sedgwick had been stuffing himself all day with prunes and beets. Uncle red, I mean -- okay, I know it's your show and everything, but I think the outhouse story is just a cheap laugh. I mean, I'm thinking about our audience, you know? I mean, before they completely evaporate, maybe we should just consider them for a moment. What about -- what about the more modern, intelligent viewer? They're mature. You know, they're getting back to earth these days. Yourself, weren't you working on like, a compost-humus distribution system? Yeah, well, that was the "outhouse blowing up" story. Thanks for ruining it. All right, well, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna come straight home after the show. But we're not gonna be able to put the wallpaper up tonight 'cause moose thompson ate the paste. Anyway, until next time, thank you for watching. And on behalf of myself and, um... Harold. ...And my nephew, uh, and all the regulars up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.